Friday, 15 May 2009

Surviving May 15th


Here I am, having got breakfast and coffee, taken the scenic route through the park, faffed around finding myself a seat with a plug for my laptop, gone to the toilet.... no more procrastination now. (Besides this, of course!) No internet connection, most terrifying of all. The dissertation and I are sat in this library, face-to-face, and there is to be no shying away until lunch time! As usual, when faced with beginning or rebeginning a significant piece of work, I am desperately afraid and I do not know why. I will be okay once I get into it again. I’m writing this so I can update it, record and pin down the achievement of words written. I’m also hoping it will help keep me sane. I hope the hours pass quickly!

Right, it is now 10:46am. I have a total of 1008 words out of 7500, which must then be edited and revised. It is Friday morning and I need to have this ready by Monday evening. I will not allow myself to leave this prison this evening until the section on free will is completed and that should be about another 3000 words. I will begin by incorporating the Kolve notes and adding a couple of sources to the bibliography, and then I will begin the free will section, at the top.

Argh. I am peckish – why? I’ve had breakfast. It is 10:53am. A ridiculous time. I’m beginning to think I can’t do this. I will treat it as an exam – I am fine during exams, once they begin. I will start at eleven on the dot and then I will work solidly (brief progress reports excepted) until half past twelve when I text Jon to make lunch plans. And then a longer progress report, and then either lunch or a bit more work, depending on Jon.

10:58. Open documents. 10:59. Ready, steady.... go!


Ha! How soon. Just to report: the Kolve, and the Miller sources in bibliography, both done. Someone is training a librarian somewhere nearby – it is intensely annoying. On to free will.


Another 306 words down. Total: 1314/7500. Long way to go – this may take longer than anticipated, which means putting in more hours before Monday. Le sigh. I’m thirsty.


Another paragraph done: 304 words. I seem to average 300 words a paragraph and 600 words an hour. Total so far: 1618/7500. So only about ten hours until I’m ready to edit the thing, if all goes well. Should get another four or even five hours done today - again, if all goes well. So, yes, this should be just about doable. Time to text Jon, I think.


Jon declares that everything is “blowing up” on him – I hope he does not mean that too literally. Lunch will happen when it happens so I’ll just plough on. I would sell my grandmother (I can say that quite safely – both grandmothers are long dead) for a bottle of Diet Coke. I’m going to sneak one in this afternoon and swig it surreptitiously (can you swig surreptitiously?) between bouts of productivity. Incidentally, I was surprised by the spelling of “surreptitiously.” Where would we all be without spell check? I am quite ashamed. Jon promises a more specific lunch time soon. He also promised a phone call – which, as I am in a library, I certainly don’t want – so I said to text instead and, oh look, he has. “Lol ok.” Well, that was worth texting for. Right. This is not work. Hello, work.


Another 293 words. Total: 1911/7500. I have written 900 words today, and all is going well enough.


Just heard from Jon – he’ll be a while. I’m going to finish this paragraph and then go and get that Diet Coke. I shall sit in the park with my book and wait to hear from my lovely one. It may mean quite an extensive lunch break, but I’m gasping and I want to have lunch together. It should be okay.


That paragraph was 222 words which brings me to 2133/7500. I fear a struggle for the final word count.... it might happen and it might not. It’s too early to tell. I should be okay. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up over. The next paragraph will be a tricky one – I’m glad I get a break first, though of course I’ll be nervous and out of the “flow” again so maybe it isn’t such a good thing. I should have a clearer head, at least. This argument feels long-winded and packed with unnecessary stuff – relevance and necessity are not one and the same. It will probably be improved by being cut, if I can afford to do so later, oh so much later. Right, as the advert says, “Diet Coke time.” Hopefully it’s reasonably sunny out there and has lost this morning’s dampness. I can, if not relax, immerse myself in The Secret Scripture, which I started on the tube this morning.


And here I am, back at a desk. I didn’t read The Secret Scripture at all in the end, as Jon was ready by the time I got out. What took so long was finding a laptop-friendly seat. I traipsed around the fifth floor and then gave up and came back to the fourth (quite by chance, as I had originally intended to go to the sixth or seventh but I got flustered in the lift and just went where everyone else was going). Behold, the big room of desks here is all computer-friendly. I must say, I do like having a desk and a proper chair: my legs and back feel so much better for it. The disadvantage of this room, though, is all the people working around you. I’d much rather be surrounded by books than people, which I guess says a lot about me.

This room is light because of its tall, high windows: the daylight and the artificial light (is it really necessary?) sit uncomfortably against one another. All I can hear is the wind wailing dismally somewhere and hundreds of fingers tapping on keys and hundreds of pens scratching on paper. Everyone here is so industrious. The air is humming with words being written, clever words at that. I feel very young and childish and unproductive - and sick, because I scoffed a mint Aero before I came in, which I really shouldn’t have done because I had chocolate yesterday too. Today’s second bottle of Diet Coke is hiding in my bag: I’ll never get away with drinking it in here. The woman next to me is watching a film on her laptop – I thought I had a procrastination comrade but, looking at her pile of books about film, she seems to be working as hard as everyone else. I don’t like it in here.

Okay, so it takes me two hours to write a thousand words, plus another hour of writing here and wasting time. So, in order to reach my 3000 word goal, including a much-needed break at some point, I should be finished by... about eleven o’clock! Ha! That’s not happening. This place closes at six, or possibly half past, and then I shall have to find a cafe and rely on the good will of my laptop battery. And then I shall have to stand in the cold outside a pub while Jon and his colleagues drink beer, and I will attempt to be friendly and conceal my complete apathy and longing to leave. Then, by the time we get home and have eaten, we’ll be tucked up in bed, or I shall at least be too tired to string together a coherent sentence.

Productivity fail. I’m procrastinating now for sheer distaste, rather than fear, though the next paragraph will be a bitch to write. I’m quite fed up. Well, on with the show.


A total, now of 2600 out of 7500. I have done a lot, but it’s still a small fraction of what’s left to do. The wind is so loud. It’s stuffy here, like Founders’ Library is stuffy. Why must libraries be stuffy? Stuffiness is conducive to sleep rather than work. I’d rather it was cold. I’d quite enjoy being hunched up in fingerless gloves and surrounded by old books. With snow outside, perhaps. This building makes my mouth feel hot, as if I had just drank tea or coffee, but without the nice taste or refreshment. My hair feels greasy too. I hope I have time to wash it tonight. My fingernails are different lengths and that bothers me, as do the remnants of nail polish. I look such a state these days. Being an academic will make me an ugly woman, if I do decide to be one. I’m well on the way already, both in terms of academicness and ugliness. Sitting in front of a laptop all day makes me fat and sluggish. I shall go to the lobby to drink my Coke there. I hope I am not arrested or, worse, told off. And I hope no one steals my laptop. I’m not packing it up – it’s heavy and I’ll only be gone a few minutes.


Thirsty work, this studying business. As soon as I put the Coke back in my bag, I am thirsty again. Maybe I have an exciting illness. I wish I’d brought my hairbrush. I hate knots in my hair. You have to go through the barriers to get to the ladies’, which is stupid (so many things in this building are stupid – like having to get three lifts to get to the English Lit books on the fifth floor), but I did find a Pingu pin badge, which made my day. I’m going to have to start another pin badge bag. I wonder what happened to all those badges I took off the old one. I do love writing down my every thought, and, once I start doing it, I can’t stop. A strange, egotistical disease. Hypothetically I should have no problem being a writer. I was once so sure it would happen, now I am so doubtful and fearful about my adult, or rather my out-of-education, self. When did that happen? When it got close enough to become real, I suppose. It was all going to be so exciting and I was going to be brilliant, whether that was dynamically brilliant, wise and caring brilliant, or romantic and tortured and gifted brilliant. Now I find I’m all grown-up and not especially brilliant and I can’t quite fit myself into any of those roles, or have them all at once, and I don’t know what to do with myself besides carry on studying because it’s what I know. That’s not primarily the reason I’m going on to MA, but it is partly the reason. All I know is studying and I can’t imagine how one goes about doing anything else. Or I can, but I so fear being unfulfilled, whether intellectually, interpersonally, artistically or spiritually.

But this is not my dissertation. Come on, girl, crack on - ignore your thirst for Diet Coke and your thirst for life and your thirst to just write, write, write yourself into being.


I have written, in total, 3158 words! I’m still 1000 off today’s target but I’m also already at where, a couple of hours ago, I feared I’d be right at the end of the day. I’ve hit close textual analysis, which is my strong point, and the words are tumbling out of me. I have, God help me, been enjoying this! And there’s plenty more to say. The free will section will almost certainly reach 3000 words, as I had hoped. I wonder if this place closes at six or half past. The room is a little emptier now but still quite full. When I’m one of only a few left, I shall leave. Either that, or someone will come and shout at us all to get lost.

I’m approaching the half way point! That is a nice feeling. Debating whether or not to have a quick drink in the lobby. Can’t hurt.

Actually, no, I’m on a roll. I’ll just do this quick bit and then I’ll be finished with the stuff about The Book of the Duchess.


3332/7500. What I wouldn’t give for another day in the library to get this done. Tomorrow I shall have the afternoon, at least. I will have to get up at a reasonable time. I may even get up at nine again and meet Katie in the British Library for the morning as well. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. This place evidently doesn’t close at six. That must just be the Classics Institute. I’ll check out closing times while I’m in the lobby with my Diet Coke in a minute. If I can, I’ll stay here while Jon’s at the pub. But now it’s my drink time.


It closes at half six. Had I been here yesterday, I could have stayed ‘til nine. Damn, damn and an extra pint of double damn, as Fry and Laurie would say. Ah well, I’ll stay in a cafe (typed “cage” then – Freudian slip?) until Jon’s released and then maybe I can sit in the street with my laptop and work while Jon and his Clara homies talk about things I don’t understand. I’ve certainly done more eccentric things. I am reliant on battery power, though. Were I a polytheist, I would pray to the battery god. Actually, I’m fairly sure my God has that covered. Fifteen minute burst of productivity then, and I’m off.

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